I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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