she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
