Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
