Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
