Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
