can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
