My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
