He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
