he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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