I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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