you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
