Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
