And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
