Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
