you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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