her vagine was all disorganized.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
