What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
