Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
