actually, I'm a sock model
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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