remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
