I think I am morally bankrupt
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
