I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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