I puked a lego.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
