The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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