I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Terrible idea I love it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
