You just made me feel so damn special
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
