he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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