my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
