i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
