i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
