seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
