dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
