I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
