ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
