i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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