Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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