You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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