Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
