Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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