Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
