Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Bring me that man meat
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
