I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
