i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Randomize
