A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
