I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
