sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
