He disabled his match.com account in front of me
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
