Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
