he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize