so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i can't believe i had my finger in that
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
