The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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