You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize