just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
