She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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