The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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