My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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